The Life of Louis – up to 1995
I feel it would be useful for those that come to my meditation classes to know where I’m coming from. So I’ve written a brief account of my life, including primarily, only those parts that I feel are relevant to the understanding of the meditation I’m teaching.
Looking back, the first period of my life that signaled the beginning of a search for some kind of answer to what life was all about started in 1966 at the age of fourteen. I became tired of the social games of the playground and began to spend more and more time on my own. From this time on, until I was nineteen, I would sit, staring out of windows, and wondering about the nature of life. I looked in the local library for some pointers, but it all seemed far too complex to hold any truth I could use. Eventually I came across the teachings of J. Krishnamurti, he was an Indian who had been picked as a boy to be the next messiah, but when he was finally given power over the organisation that picked him, he disbanded it and disowned his title. Heavily influenced by his thoughts, I engaged in a process that wasn’t exactly thinking - I can’t really describe what it was - it was a way of pondering and settling into a disposition or attitude of enquiry. After doing this intensively for every spare hour I had it finally bore fruit - I’d found the answer to life - or so I thought. At first I couldn’t believe it - I must have made a mistake - so I spent the next two days checking it through and came to the same answer. I found to my annoyance and amusement that I’d spent the best part of four years going in a complete circle. The answer that I’d arrived at was this: - ultimately nothing is important, except love.
Having found the answer to life I wondered what to do next. I thought maybe I could now find the answer to other questions such as what time was, but I just came back to my original finding that ultimately it’s not important. I may have found the truth of life but I was totally incapable of living it. And so I stumbled into adulthood confusing the love of my philosophy with romantic love, eventually despairing of love and giving it the elbow. So now all I had was “ultimately nothing’s important”. This depressing thought undercut everything I did and disabled me completely - I didn’t so much live by it as react to it.
The next relevant event was my discovery, at twenty-eight, of the teachings of the Buddha. At last I felt I’d come across someone who seemed to agree with me! He seemed not only to parallel my own philosophy but also to bring back the love or compassion that got lost in my early twenties. I fell in love with the romantic idea of the life of a humble Buddhist monk - no possessions, just wandering and begging for food. I imagined myself wandering through India, as the Buddha had, in a happy, carefree state. I joined the Buddhist society, visited a Buddhist monastery, experimented with meditation and read every book in Exeter library (about a hundred) on every form of Buddhism and related topics.
The next event that unfolded was one of the most significant, useful, and insightful periods in my life. At the time I was doing a form a Zen meditation - I enjoyed the stark simplicity of its philosophy. Underneath all of this I still held the view that ultimately nothing was important, and still hadn’t quite incorporated the love/compassion aspect back into my philosophy. I realised that although this “nothing’s important” attitude had been the foundation of the life I’d been living, I’d merely allowed it to undermine my life and in fact, I didn’t live day to day, moment to moment on this principle. I lived as if lots of things were important. I found myself thinking that if I really believed that ultimately nothing’s important then I should really live by it. Then I found myself thinking that I couldn’t - what would people - my parents - think? It was at this point that I realised that the only person stopping me was myself, no one else. And so I decided to live my life from then on, true to the belief that ultimately nothing is important. I felt I had nothing to lose - my life had very little value to me at that time, and what I’d done up until then was half-baked and had failed to bring me any real happiness, only a certain “couldn’t care less” detachment to life.
It was then that things began to happen. Everything that I placed importance in, I released. I realised how much fear had ruled my life up until that point - fear of being rejected, fear of poverty, fear of being unacceptable, fear of being imprisoned, fear of violence and pain - the list seemed endless. However, as I uncovered each new fear I simply brought my new commitment to it - “Well Louis, ultimately nothing’s important so this fear is not important, just go ahead - the only one who’s stopping you is you.” As I did this I came to see that each fear was no more than a block on the energy of life, and that as I faced each fear and went through it, the fear disappeared and a tremendous release of energy followed. Rather than simply enjoying this newfound energy, I would use it to go through the next fear. As I did this, it seemed to set up an energy feedback that just grew and grew as each fear was released, giving me more energy to face each successive fear. I was determined to follow this all the way to the end and see exactly where it led. For the first time since I was a child, I felt the joy of life return - I was simply happy to be alive - enjoying the energy of life coursing through my body.
At this point I wondered whom I could share this revelation with, who would appreciate it? I went back to the Buddhist monastery thinking that they would understand. But the place was not full of Buddhas who could really appreciate that ultimately nothing is important, it was full of Buddhist monks, and to them Buddhism and all their rituals were very important.
As the process continued I found myself going back through my life and releasing every memory in me where energy had been blocked by fear. I found I had to forgive all those that had ever done me wrong. I had to go through the fear of losing my mind and going insane, eventually reaching the very first fears we deal with in life - those of incontinence.
This process completed itself and I found myself as if totally purified of all that life had touched me with. I felt as if I were seeing the world for the first time, as if I were looking with newborn eyes but the body of an adult. What fun - to be a child reborn in an adult’s body. Being able to do all those things that a child wants to do but isn’t allowed. And that was where the trouble began. I’m mischievous by nature and now I was going to have some fun, totally uninhibited by all the controlling fears of my past.
At the same time my psychic and intuitive faculties were developing under the influence of the life-energy flowing unimpeded through my body and mind. I found I was able to read people’s innermost heart secrets with ease. I could see the fear in people that kept them on the socially accepted treadmill of life - a treadmill I was no longer on. I found myself able to use people’s fear to control and manipulate them, knowing exactly the right time to back off before they became violent. I felt an overwhelming need to communicate this newfound energy of life, this limitless happiness. I wasn’t in the mood to sit down and explain it to them, I wanted to demonstrate it to them - anyway I could - anyway that would show them that when we live life with no limits we can be totally happy and ecstatic; and that beyond any deep seated demons that want to get out is an incredible joy and love of life. I was to enjoy this ecstatic state for three months and during it, my actions, rather than being dictated by thinking and logic, followed some kind of natural intuitive instinct. This led me to see the world as a magical place full of signs and omens.
When I reread some of the books of Buddhist wisdom I had around at that time, what I read seemed so obvious as to be unnecessary to say.
During this period the insanity of the world became more and more obvious. There was the insanity of anger and hatred, the insanity of drunkenness and self harm, the insanity of obsessive behaviour, the insanity of self-serving action and trying to make ourselves happy at other’s expense. From my perspective the world seemed to be totally insane and I was the only sane one around - I was later to meet more “sane” people like me. What I was only half aware of was that from the world’s point of view, it was still sane and I was the one that was going insane!
Unfortunately the disposition I’d adopted wasn’t acceptable to society - I wasn’t allowed to be ecstatically happy, and demonstrate it, without a good reason - I had to have a reason to be happy, otherwise I was crazy. I felt as if I were myself for the very first time, not being what others wanted or expected me to be. I felt tremendous freedom. My family and friends became very concerned for me - where was the Louis they knew? Well, it was gone, what they’d known was the front, the socially acceptable face that we all parade, and I was no longer prepared to pretend; I was being real and I liked it! And so, as a result of socially unacceptable behaviour and concern for my mental and physical health, I was given sedatives and various other drugs to bring me down from this “high”. Eventually, they succeeded and when I came back down to earth and normality it was with a bump. I’d given away all my possessions and dismantled my organised life - I had nothing - and to top it all, the side effects of the drugs I was given induced the symptoms of Parkinson’s disease. I’d enjoyed three months of ecstatic happiness and I was now about to endure six months of hellish depression.
When I came out of this period I wanted nothing more to do with spirituality, or ecstasy, I just wanted to rebuild my life. Interestingly enough, all the fears that were released gradually came back and I ended up back were I was before this whole episode occurred. The only difference was that I now knew it was possible to be ecstatically happy for no reason - only it wasn’t sustainable in the form I’d realised it.
As my confidence came back I began once again to explore how to untap or reconnect with the happiness and freedom I’d known. I came across a book called A Course in Miracles, which seemed to reflect and offer hope of realising some of the qualities I’d enjoyed during my three months of ecstatic happiness. I joined a group called Attitudinal Healing whose work was based on the book and whose basic teaching was that “Love is Letting Go of Fear” - something I’d experienced very profoundly myself. I was to continue with this group for some five years, eventually facilitating the meetings at St. James Healing Ministry in Piccadilly. During this period I was able to take a good look at myself and appreciate how withdrawn I was, and how the world in which I lived was largely a projection of my own state of mind. It was mainly due to the love, support and understanding that I received from the people at Attitudinal Healing that I was able to feel part of the human race again. I shall be ever grateful to them for that.
All through my time with Attitudinal Healing I remembered that blissful period of ecstasy and freedom in the summer of 1981 and I longed to rediscover it. I would think about it constantly, trying to make sense of it, trying to understand exactly what happened and what the secret of that time was. I looked into the possibility of living in India, where I’d heard that ecstatically happy people, or God-Intoxicants as the Indians called them, were tolerated and supported. I also looked into living in Thailand as a Buddhist monk. However, when I visited these countries, they didn’t seem to offer what I was looking for and I didn’t feel able to conjure up the same feeling I’d known in 1981, or to commit myself to something so drastic. It was then that I came across the teachings of Da Free John and the Laughing Man Institute - this looked interesting. I asked the friend I was living with if she’d heard of him and she said his teaching was something to do with the idea that we’re already happy. So I went down to their bookshop off Oxford St. to find out more. The shop was run by his followers who seemed to find it difficult to explain what he was all about. It seemed to me, very similar to some kind of Buddhism. Anyway, I bought one of his books and noted that there was an introductory evening and video later that week. What he was saying in his book seemed to echo some of my own conclusions as to the state of happiness and so I went off to the introductory evening to see a video of him. What I saw totally blew me away. Immediately, I recognised the same ecstatic happiness, craziness and freedom in him that I had known, only it seemed to be permanent in him and he was teaching others how to realise the same state.
I enrolled in a course and bought some more of his books. Unfortunately, he was no longer available in person and now lived a secluded, private life. What was worse was that although he was very obviously imbued with enormous happiness, the people gathered around him obviously weren’t - and by the looks of them never had been. They seemed unable to appreciate that someone else could have experienced what their blessed guru had, and found it threatening. And so began a love hate relationship with the Da Free John community. I was constantly drawn to him, his teachings and the possibility of meeting him and constantly disappointed at the quality of his organisation and the people in it, with their power bases and pettiness. In the end I became so disgusted with the hypocrisy and cultist behaviour of Da Free John’s followers that I wanted nothing more to do with the organisation.
I recognised the truth and value of his writings and I would constantly refer back to my own experience of ecstatic happiness to validate the truth of what he was saying. I gained new insights and understanding into how my happy state had come about, how I’d lost it and was unable to recapture it. I spent a total of about five years involved with his community and during that time he seemed to be going further and further away from his radical teaching, gradually becoming more aloof and unapproachable, turning the whole community into a cult of idolisers, with him at the centre as the “Perfect Being” to be worshipped. Since leaving his community, I’ve found out more of the goings on behind the scenes, many of which I find hard to reconcile with his teachings. So when I left, I felt cheated and robbed and wanted nothing more to do with him or his teaching.
It wasn’t until some two years later in 1993 that I was to read his books again. A guitar student asked casually if I meditated, and so I gave a brief history of my experience with meditation. I said I had some books that might interest her, and proceeded to drag down all the books of Da Free John that had been banished to the loft. I reread one of his more concise volumes and reflected once again upon the undeniable truth that he seemed to be writing.
This period in my life was a particularly depressing one; I’d left the woman I’d been living with for the last seven years and was trying to make a go of a new relationship that was proving to be particularly frustrating and unrewarding. So to pass the time I thought I’d do a bit of “proper” meditating. Nothing much happened but it helped pass a few boring evenings. It was during one of these humdrum evenings, when I was beating myself up over the frustrating relationship I was having, that suddenly and for no apparent reason I awoke to the truth of what D.F.J. had been saying. Suddenly, I realised the always, already happy state that he’d talked about. My consciousness awoke and I realised that it was the same consciousness that I’d been in touch with during my period of ecstatic happiness in 1981. I was able to view everything else against this happy backdrop to life that is consciousness. I realised that indeed it had always been there and that it was totally obvious and not hidden, just as D.F.J. had said. The difference between this awakening and the events of 1981 was that I now understood what was going on and also I was now totally grounded. I felt no need to prove my happiness to anyone or to demonstrate it in any extreme behaviour. I had only to live it, to make it the foundation of my existence.
Finally, I could relax, I was free to be what I am and there was no need to be anything other than that. I was indeed already happy, already free and all efforts to be otherwise could be relaxed.
Now, just as with the Buddhist books in 1981, when I read the books of D.F.J. again they were no longer a wonder to me. They were simply obvious; a simple statement of what is true. The only falsity I found in them was all the talk of worshipping him, and I saw how he’d misused his position to exploit and confuse people for his own ends. I shall always be indebted to D.F.J. or Freddie, as I now like to affectionately call him. His writings and understanding surpass any wisdom I’ve come across in the field of spiritual literature. Without that understanding I doubt whether I would have been able to reconnect with my inherent happiness and remain connected. However, somewhere along the line he does appear to have got lost with his community. The only people that he’s taught that have awakened seemed to have to leave the community to do so. Whether this is part of his teaching method, I doubt. In some ways those that remain within his community only see their happiness in him, and only when they leave are they likely to find that same happiness within themselves.
Since consciousness awoke in me, in December 1993, it’s been a gradual process of allowing my life to adjust and adapt to this new orientation.
In my essence I’m no different to you and in my individuality I’m not necessarily any more capable of love or happiness. The awakening of consciousness has initiated a process in me that facilitates a growth in my happiness and capability to give and receive love. That process is something that I gladly take responsibility for and is a happy discipline that I enter into with heartfelt enthusiasm. All I’m aware of is that I’m awake and it’s very obvious when others are not. I can “see” their consciousness, but they seem to be distracted from it by the life around them and within them. I “see” people be happiness and then turn away from it, not knowing that they are actively turning their back on their own happiness and selling themselves short. It’s as obvious as someone poking themselves in the eye with a stick and then wondering why their eye hurts and they can’t see. Just as you can’t convince a fish that it’s wet because it always is, so how do you show someone that they are consciousness when they always are that?
In the meditation evenings I’m merely trying to awaken people to their own consciousness and thereby initiate the same process of love and happiness in them - so that their capability for happiness and the giving and receiving of love may grow.
I now see my life as a meditation - a meditation on love and happiness. Whereas, previous to the awakening of consciousness, my orientation to life was through experience and the search for some kind of ultimate and transforming experience that would change me forever and give me the happiness I desired, now my orientation is that of consciousness, awareness or the observer of experience. As such I’m no longer seeking after experience, but simply abiding as consciousness, the witness of experiences as they arise. Whatever I experience, in body or mind, be it pleasurable or not, it’s the mere observing of the experience that’s of ultimate importance, not the experience itself.
As I write this it’s now fifteen months since my awakening and during this period the inherent love and happiness, that is everybody’s birthright, becomes more the quality of each moment and experience becomes of secondary importance. Gradually, all the habits and tendencies of my separate self are loosened and I become free of them. However, this is an on-going process and sometimes I still revert to a contracted, unhappy and unloving disposition. But now I’m capable, with greater ease, of letting that disposition go and returning to the happy disposition that is consciousness. I no longer invest energy in my separative existence and can now find no good reason to defend it - it only represents my unhappiness.
I’m no longer looking for any experience high or low, within or
without, that’s going to make me happy. I’ve
realised that all experiences are merely transitory and ever changing and
therefore not capable of providing ultimate and constant happiness. I’ve found happiness in consciousness, as consciousness, or
in other words the ever-present feeling of
simply being.
Along with the awakening of consciousness has come the understanding of the separative actions that previously defined my life. I’ve understood who is happiness and what is happiness, and in each moment of experiencing I’m able to affirm, that whatever I’m experiencing, it exists within a field of unconditional and everlasting happiness.
It’s my hope that at some point you’ll be able to write a similar story and you’ll see your own life as a progression towards the awakening of consciousness and the state of love and happiness. Hopefully, this story will inspire and encourage you to realise what is every humans’ birthright. By what path you’ll arrive at that realisation, where life truly begins, I don’t know, but the fact that you’ll arrive is beyond doubt, because as much time is given to you as you need, to realise that there is no time, only the present.
May you be blessed in your life and journey of self-discovery.
